Katie Porter: “Ahoy gentlefolk of the high seas of legislation. We gather `round to speak of a matter that plagues our shores and…”

“Ahoy gentlefolk of the high seas of legislation. We gather `round to speak of a matter that plagues our shores and threatens our treasures: the dreaded scourge of porch pirates. Aye, these scallywags who plunder packages from doorsteps are a blight upon our communities, a menace to honest folks awaiting their rightful booty. But fear not, for Congress spots justice on the horizon: the Porch Pirates Act. This mighty bill preserves our treasure and brings justice to those who dare to steal what is not rightfully theirs. No longer shall we be at the mercy of porch pirates. Under this noble act, thieves will face fines or even a stretch in the brig. Muster up, fellow congressional sailors. Let's pass the Porch Pirates Act so honest folk can rest assured that their treasures are safe from those who would plunder 'em. ____________________”