Barack Obama actually said...

"the threat of global nuclear war has gone down, but the risk of a nuclear attack has gone up."

"I say if Stephen Colbert wants to play soldier, it's time to cut that man's hair."

"General, as your commander-in-chief, I hereby order you to shave that man's head."

"President Obama wants Congress to take a 'pay as you go' approach to spending proposing a law that would require lawmakers cover the cost of federal programs by either raising taxes or cutting budget."