Barack Obama actually said...

"Our chaperon for the evening is Jimmy Kimmel who's perfect for the job since most of tonight's audience is in his key demographic, people who fall asleep during 'Nightline.'"

"Investments in better roads and safer bridges, these have never been made by just one party or another because they benefit all of us."

"I assume that people meant what they said when they said it. That's been at least my practice. I said that I would go after bin Laden if we had a clear shot at him and I did."

"kill President Obama, kill General Petraeus."