Barack Obama actually said...

Michael, for the last time, the Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout. Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset.

Sasha and Malia aren't here tonight, because they're grounded. You can't just take Air Force One on a joyride to Manhattan.

Dick Cheney was supposed to be here, but he is very busy working on his memoirs, tentatively titled 'How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate Pe...

The rising cost of health care must be brought down.